Dear Annie: New Stepmom Is an Ice Queen, and It’s Exhausting Pretending to Get Along
From a reader: "Dad says I’m reading too much into things." My dad remarried three years ago, and I’ve tried to get along with his wife, Carla, but it’s been difficult from the start. At family gatherings, she talks to everyone except me unless I initiate conversation. She often forgets things I’ve told her—my job, my boyfriend’s name—and frequently leaves me out of group texts or plans unless my dad adds me in.
I mentioned this to my dad, but he says I’m overthinking it and that “Carla’s just not a warm person.” Maybe that’s true, but it feels like she barely tolerates me. It’s tiring to keep pretending everything is fine when I feel like an outsider in my own family. I’m not seeking a close bond, just basic respect and for my dad to be happy. Should I talk to her directly, or just leave it alone?
Dear On the Outside:
Since your dad hasn’t been very helpful, speak directly to Carla. Let her know you want a good relationship and that you don’t feel the same warmth from her—be honest but not accusatory. If she seems surprised, she may not realize how she appears. If she dismisses your concerns, it’s reasonable to limit your time with her.
“Carla’s just not a warm person.”
Additional Reading
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?”—Annie Lane’s second anthology featuring popular columns on marriage, infidelity, communication, and reconciliation—is available in paperback and e-book.
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Summary: When a stepmom’s coldness strains family relations, honest communication can clarify feelings, but respecting boundaries may be necessary when warmth isn't reciprocated.